Now, it is time to decide what I have put off. The most important question I have yet to answer is what the future between us is. What do I want in our relationship? Indeed, I do not want to start a new one, and I am happy with it now. So, it is very natural to forge the future of us together. But why am I reluctant to make up my mind? I understand every life decision comes with costs. Then, what exactly do I lose if I decide?
Possibility. This is it.
I love possibilities although that just stays in the form of an idea or a hope and never pays off. I merely keep it with me and do not exchange it for a tangible benefit or another possibility.
The love stems from the anxiety of always worrying about my future. And the reason why I am haunted by the constant anxiety is that I still have all my desires, expectations and goals in life although I have learned that life does not mean much after all.
However, the lesson I found from the meaninglessness of life was that I still live here on this ground, with my body, and that my desire and pain are quite real and almost impossible to resist. So, I have to keep moving on weaving my version of meaning in life.
Thus, I gotta get back to reality. Make decisions. Choose a way that creates more possibilities if I can. If not, find meaning in the choices.